leave me to my urgency

while cleaning my room i discovered three quarters, seven books, about thirty two sheets of paper, a red pen and a blue pen lid, four random socks and a pair of panty hose, my elrond action figure, a pack of gum and my right rainbow mitten-

and all of that was in my bed.

yes. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever possibly not be weird, but really and not-so-secretly, i gave up all hope ages ago.

when the water runs deep

i look at the clock, blink, rub my eyes and look again. for a moment i think it's saying twelve o'clock, twelve o'clock, twelve o'clock, but really, what it's saying is that after twelve o'clock hours, i accomplished pretty much fuck all today, after a day of fuck all yesterday.

whatever. i'm almost done boethius, i've actually flossed my teeth and i can't stop listening to collective soul.

[most notably track four from dosage].

now i'm going to crawl into bed with my recently re-discovered music and my lost-but-found-half-duvet-throw-blanket-thing from that evil corporate giant i hate but always end up shopping at because they have everything for real cheap, read the last bit of boethius and hopefully sleep until it's actually time to wake up.

mmmmmmm- it smells like clean laundry and winter in my room.

and i just need to learn the depth

i spent the entire morning and a good portion of the afternoon making a cd of sappy-assed love songs that included selections from kate bush, u2, collective soul, good old morrissey, and franz ferdinand.

sweet. baby. jesus.

this girly-ness of me might be the death of me. and in my head is the constant yelling of the vox that clearly tells me to "go to boethius young lady- to boethius damnit!"

it's good for my soul. but so are cheesy songs of lurve, among other things. heh.

night unfurls her splendour

i'm talking to kate.

it's late- probably past midnight. this doesn't even register consciously to me. the only thing that really does is that fact that i can call. which is nice. well, more than nice. but i also register that i'm probably annoying the shit out of her as i'm having one of those horrible awful girly sometimesithurtstothink moments about a boy.

at least this time around he isn't seventeen.

good news is on the way

my mouth feels fuzzy and my eyelids are glued shut when i begin to coherently understand that the sounds coming from the common room are not actually herds of stampedeing wildebeest, but rather my roomates. after a few momemnts of attempting to get back to sleep, i decide it's not worth and instead get up and join in the fun.

my new name is lamb, i've met the aussie ryan from next door [who has some fuck-off-shiny hair and a smashing accent, heh] and have discovered that caitlin really fucking likes mayonnaise with her french fries.

well worth the sleep pattern disturbance.

afraid of what might be

temple leans in, his drink sliding dangerously close to the brim of the tall glass he's clutching in his left hand. "fuck- guys, listen to dave. he's talking to beer- with a fake welsh accent!"

the hilairty of this is, of course, that professor beer himself has quite a strong refined cockney/welsh accent. dave, however, isn't deterred by the poor imitation he's doing and braves his way through an entire conversation about the upcoming presentation of the vagina monologues that is being prosuced by many girls involved in our program.

to my right is robin, engaged in a long conversation with kevin that evolves from being about paddling, persuing what you love and the outdoors to the concept that, according to kevin, thinking makes you ignorant. we tell him he needs second year, and morgen sits down to see what we're gesticulating madly about.

i swirl the wine in my glass, letting the last drop sit in the bottom of the bowl.

"this is a good place to be, yeah?" the vox sneakes up on us, intoning and vocalizing exactly what my ignorant brain was thinking. this is a good place to be. and it's getting better all the time.

[holy crap- now i want to listen to the beatles].

something i had just about scraped through

"no, no. not amanda. wait are there two amandas?"

"she's tyler's girlfriend. really. ps- who came and studied with us in your room at christmas?"

"caitlin? but it wasn't caitlin. wait- what?"

instead of coversing like regular human beings, robin and i attempt to figure out the name of one of the girls in our program [shameful- we really should know all of them by now. blast] over msn whil i try rampantly to mash out some sort of drivel on philo's on the unchangableness of god while holding a conversation with anna about who exactly it is in the hums program that kyle knows.

sometimes, it hurts to think.

it's my life

when katy, tuesday and i finally make it to the house of peter, justin, jon and chester, i feel as if my legs are two rather detached fleshy stumps and that my hands are bits of dough attached to sticks. i realize how gross that sounds, but, well.... that's what it was like. sorry.

once we begin to warm up [read: ingest suberb alcoholic homemade apple cider with apple, orange ginger and clove chunks floating in it] we're offered a veritable smorgasbord of food.

food that consists of dead deer flesh.

i have to say though, that i was highly impressed with the venison burger which i ingested, and although i didn't make it to the venison spaghetti sauce i'm going to go with the assumption that it was probably pretty stellar as well.

in the end though, i just became highly distaracted by the bunny and spent a good ten minutes at the bottom of the stairs trying to woo it with imaginary treats. i promised bunny that next time i came i would bring her a ryvita cracker.

god i love bunnies.

in your eyes i am complete

you know how some days you wake up and you just know that no matter how hard you try you're going to be just a little bit behind and just a little bit stressed for time and just a little bit unaccomplished at the end of the day?

today wasn't one of those of days, even though it should have been.

last night, after a very brief albeit enjoyable stop at mike's place robin and i came back to my room where we were tempted by the fruit of another. [read: shirtless hugh jackman]. however, we were drawn somehow to watch good old hugh with the director's commentary running, which was THE WORST idea ever, yet not because it was so funny.

when we woke up this morning, it was too cold to move, so robin and i stayed in bed snickering at the weather report, the music that was playing and just everything in general. then it was up to coffee, tea, grilled cheese and two hours of nothing.

since then i've accomplished nothing worth noting [except maybe my fruit adventure wherein i ventured out into the negative forty one degrees centigrade weather for apples and oranges and DAMNIT I FORGOT TO GET ANOTHER MANGO! blast!].

i couldn't be happier at this exact moment. cheers to that.

hello there

"ok. cholera, yellow fever, did i really get the hep. a and c done? does this mean that i need to go home for a weekend? if i sew my pants with yellow thread, it'd be highly noticable yet highly entertaining at the same time. I AM SUCH A FREAKING GIRLY IDOIT ARRGH! it's totally past my bedtime. that mango, although unripe, was super delicious. i miss my mom. my sister shows her teeth when she really smiles. james has a radio show? can he get any more amazing? i need to save that ten dollars for bread and must remember to buy coffee at some point, wait, it should last for one more week? or, should i risk it? hmmm, so augustine was involved with the beginning of the renaissance eh? caitlin wears the same perfume as mom- it smells like her in our bathroom, and it reminds me of flordida. i wonder if that letter ever made it to him, like, did the hospital forward it at all? 'it's you when i look in the mirror.' our kitchen is a disaster. i wonder if he likes throwing apples into lakes and then diving in after them to eat them? so, how early do i have to get up again?"

no wonder i can't get to sleep. my brain won't turn off.

lights go down

bundled into myself as the 117 slowly slides it's way up the hill, i don't pay much attention to my surroundings. a bus is a bus is a bus, right?

except that i just happen to look up and to my right at the advertisments lining the upper portion of the side of the bus, and notice the one and only george stroumboulopoulos staring back at me. the sign states that he has joined cbcnewsworld.

so, um, anybody want to watch the news with me?

[oh, and i'd just like to go on record that i spelled stroumboulopoulos entirely correct the first time without looking it up first. no, really. i did].

so we're told this is the golden age

you know how sometimes when you're having a really good and really deep and refresing sleep, how when you wake up, there's lines from your pillow on your face and from the creases in your sheets snaking down the backs and fronts of your legs, and even the tops of your feet?

i totally woke up with pillow face and sheet legs today.

it's not confidential

the guy across the aisle keeps shooting covert glances in our direction, his eyes travelling up and down robin's small frame, resting for long moments on the bulge in the centre of her body that just screams i'm-about-to-drop-a-baby from the side. i start to snort on the inside.

today, robin and i made a trek down bank street to pay off my visa bill [read: waaaaaaaah! i want my money back!] and deposit two cheques into my other account [read: that doesn't cover losses from the visa bill, motherfucker].

next, we went into the fresh fruit company to acquire fruit and vegetale mass- and most especially cabbage. [sidenote here- you see, i've been craving cabbage in coleslaw form for about a week now, so tonight after roman civ. class, wherein i decided that i would marry roland jeffreys because he's just so damn funny, i came home and made a giant mass of coleslaw and ate almost all of it while watching empire records with ashley and anna and brendan. now my mouth tastes like cabbage, hardcore. ewwww, yet.... mmmmm].

anyways, after that we hopped onto the nausea-inducing bus to south keys, where robin picked up some fish. of course, ottawa just happened to produce negative eight million seven hundred and seventy five thousand degrees centigrade below zero winchill today, so in order to ensure the safe travels of the wee fishy buggers, robin wrapped them in her special mountaineering hat and then tied the whole mess to her scarf and wore it under her coat, thus producing the whole i'm-about-to-drop-a-baby look.

besides some weird looks, the fish made it home in wonderful shape.

hella good

"meaghan!" justin yells, raising his plastic beer cup a bit in the air. "you're looking woefully sober!"

i smile, raise my mug full of water, and take a sip. "that's because i am." i reply. "well, sort of. in an alcoholic sense, i mean. entirely sober that way. but not all ways."

justin looks confused. pete leans in and and yells so as to be heard above the din "she's REALLY stoned." he turns to me. "i never expected this of you, young lady."

we both crack up.

last night, much to the shock and awe of a few people, i actually left my hermit like state and ventured out to the kegger at kwende and adam's house. after an adventurous trip to tuesday's [read: the fucking bus never came so i bloody well walked from the carling o-train stop], a spectacular wipe out on the ice in front of tuesday's house while trying to get ito the cab we called, we arrived to a house that had about three hundred people in it.

the bar and kegs were in the basement, the ground floor was transformed into the ultimate dance party with wicked music, and i never onceventured upstairs because the stairways were an entire disaster.

when the seven or eight cops that had been called showed up around two, it was like watching a clown car empty out.

BAM!

a whole new world

my family never really went on that whole crazy disney spin that a lot of families seem to have done, but we did have a few choice movies. the little mermaid, sleeping beauty, beauty and the beast, and aladdin. right before christmas i got a twinge of nostalgia and "obtained" [read:illegally downloaded] a copy of aladdin.

it was good, just as i remembered- until aladdin said 'good teenagers take their clothes off.'

god bless disney for their penis clouds and their subliminal messages to children. really, just.....bless.

when it's over

today i woke up, stumbled to an essay review class with laird [where he told us to develop our inner laird, which i find more than slightly disturbing] and came home to eat anna's birthday cake.

i challenge you to find something better than cake for breakfast. especially double chocolate truffle cakes with pretty icing and chocolate shavings on it.

here we are now

robin calls me, comes up and we talk.

i fear that i may be coming across as slightly disconnected or perhaps very detached because my brain hasn't been fully functionsing for most of the day. i feel like a rubber chicken.

she asks me if she can use my computer for a moment- but that it's a secret and i can't look. [small side note here- whenever i put a cd on with kate, no matter what i am doing, i always turn to her and nearly shout "don't look don't look it's a secret don't look!" so i am secretly amused at being at the other end of the it's-a-secret-don't-look bit. anyways].

she draws me a picture with a lion, and a zebra, a giraffee and a gazelle, with text in the font of willy wonka in the middle that reads: hey megs, what are you doing between may ninth and thirteenth.... and maybe an extra seven days? and do you mind stopping in switzerland?

robin makes a list of her all time ultimate top five things to do in africa. i start making one in my head. and then i'm like, who needs a list? just the prospect of maybe-possibly going is more than any ultimate top five moment i've ever experienced in my life.

we spent two hours looking at safaris. heh.

don't you worry

ashley and i are sitting at the table. talking about cursive writing, house alarm systems and the power of my doodle, which is apparently cohesive yet very random.

the lights suddenly flick, and ashley and i look at each other. "did you just..??" i start to ask, but i can see the affrimative answer in her face already. we ignore it for a few more minutes until a large rumbling sound rolls in the distance. i assume it's the vaccuum claner going down the hall, or maybe snow removal outside.

and then my phone rings, and it's robin from downstairs. her voice rings up the one story and across the hall- i can see her in her room, probably bouncing a bit- "DO YOU REALIZE," she booms "we're having a THUNDER AND LIGHTENING storm?"

it's ottawa. it's january. the temperature here in the winter can get as low as negative forty centigrade and does on a regular basis. and yet here and now it's pouring outside, with lightening flashing and thunder rolling across the ares.

god i fucking love this place.

i can feel

caitlin, ashley and i are sitting around the common room, discussing annoying people from ashley's past and anna's creepy 'friend' from across the hall. i'm slowing making a mess, eating ryvita crackers with cheese and spreading crumbs everywhere [including down my shirt], and caitlin has a cinnamon bagel that makes me smile.

when she gets up to retrieve a cup from her room, she starts walking as if... as if there's a snake in her boot or something. [ok granted she's not wearing any boots, or any footwear for that matter, but if she were wearing footwear it would be boots and she would have been walking as if there were a snake in one of them].

"these pants have static cling and they make me ANGRY."

i cackle.

you can reach

i've been in my room for a solid three hours now.

ok, i lied. i left once to go and get a diet coke. i was going to make coffee, but i wanted more of an aspartame kick- so i did venture out for about two minutes. but in between, i've been here.

i'm reading the confessions of saint augustine. i am listening to the sound track to the fellowship of the ring. i'm wearing a black cotton hoodie that has a picture of the abominable snowman, also known as the bumble, on the front of it.

i'm digging the combination, but i'm sure it's doing nothing for that whole trying-to-be-sophisticated bit i'm going for.

all you need is love

robin looks at me, her hands splayed out in front of her.

"i'm not sure if i should tell you this." she begins. we're talking about how i want to go to new york again in the spring.

"my dad has a business trip coming up." she pauses, and then adds "in nairobi."

i think i should maybe mention here and now that when i am done school, the first thing i am going to do is go to africa. i don't know how or where or what this will involve, but i have dreams about it. it hurts to look at pictures of places like kenya for me because it feels like i'm homesick or something- i can see it in my head, and feel it without having ever been there.

robin continues. "nothing is established yet at all for sure, but mom and dad are going to go on a safari. and i think that you would be more then welcome to come with us."

for a split second there, when i was told this, i thought i was going to be sick. like, honestly. just up-chuck all the mac and cheese i had just inhaled. robin and i spend the next few moments contemplating this, and then we talk and talk and talk about other things, with intermittant bursts of me, yelling "SAFARI!"

SAFARI!

i have run i have crawled

last night i had a dream about that damned pink fisher pirce tea service that seems to haunt me. it must be some sort of symbol, but i have to wonder what the frick a tea service is supposed to represent. and why, for the love of god, is it that awful colour of pink? you know, the colour of all the toys of young girls? however, last night instead of being served by mr. monaghan, it was that creepy dude, what's his name....you know. he was in patch adams and cold mountain.

needless to say, it was frightening, very frightening for me.

anyways- i just looked out the window- coffe firmly clasped in right hand, pen slipping from my fingers, the verb to summon before me in latin.

the colour of blue in the sky is entirely indefinable. it hurts my eyes.

i'm looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find

last night, in my other other other other journal [read: the one that's actually on paper and therefore completely inaccessable unless you pull a james bond and take over my room and build up the nerve to open it, because it's really kind of very scary looking and it says things like looking forward to regretting it and random crap like that. anyways] i wrote down that i was suffering from that french curse of ennui.

i think it means a sort of malaise, but then i might be wrong.

i also think it's a sign that i'm being overly dramatic and i need a swift kick in the arse, because really, who stops, thinks about it, and writes down that they are suffering from ennui?

honestly.

my baby don't mess around

i step out of the bathroom, my hands brushing against the hips of my jeans. anna and ashley are sitting in the common room, talking about toilet paper.

"you shold see polish toilet paper!" anna exclaims. she holds up her hands in front of her as she continues to speak, trying to give a symbol for it's declaired badness. "you know that... that... paper you have in art class? the really rough brown stuff? that paper towel?"

images come to mind. i think it's possibly the lowest grade of paper ever created. it's usually still got chunks of wood in it. it's rough. it's horrible, and it's really good for nothing. i nod that i understand what she's talking about.

"that's what polish toilet paper is like." we all stop talking to ponder this for a moment before anna continues. "you can pay more money for stuff coloured blue and yellow though."

damn you've got some wicked style

i wish i could get some creepy music or something to accompany this post- you know, the kind that just screams "ye gawds...it's alive! IT'S ALIVE!!" but then i'm never very impressed with music on web logs. it usually brings out the kill kill kill instinct in me.

so.....christmas? not in the ultimate top five but certainly it was wonderful. i think though, that there's just too much to recount so here's some interesting highlights- call me up if you want the details.

not making it home on schedule. being in a teen horror flick with ayshia and james in the UTSC parking lot. napolean dynomite. extra bedding. growling cats. tinsel christmas trees and falling evergreens. eva bunny licking my fingers. chocolate. giant vats of coffee every morning...mmmmmmmmm. cookies. bacon. loads and loads of bacon. pancakes. FIVE [count 'em FIVE] christmases. john wayne [ugh]. chocolate again. lard cat. mom singing gwen stefani and dancing like and egyptian. feather bed imprints. sow storms. bono. even more chocolate. sledding with the family on hristmas day night. intense hours of sleeping. really gross head spinning feeling. peach dessert wine. massive thawing and plaing in the puddles with mom and kally. twenty six people in my house at one time on two separate occasions within five days. star wars. nine and a half hours of televsion following fourteen and a half hours of sleeping. even more chcolate yet again. re-gifting. more u2. and more bono. actually washing my pants [there's a good story there...heh]. seventies man coat LIKE A STONE COLD FOX. beautiful presents. chocolate. travel travel and more travel.

[and that's just off the top of my head without really thinking].

and otherwise randomly, i need to admit that i am loving the gwen stefani dance music. i had to dance around my room in my underpants this morning because it was that good.

man, i missed dancing in my underpants.