and i've paid the price of solitude

the prize fighter inferno= the voice of claudio sanchez with backing that is completely the postal service with coheed guitar.

i. EFFING. love. it.

[i have a feeling that were i to play it for a few people they might deem it a little poppy, but i think that the coheed guitar will win them over quickly and efficeintly. and then maye that one song that sounds like guns'n'roses..hahahahaha go go gadegt claudio].

in other news, today i created a sock monkey named joseph [whom i call joe] for cousin mike as we're leaving to see him in oh...about twenty minutes. he's also getting one of the left over t-rex cookies. and the cat. and the baby jesus that anna decorated because every time i look at that damn thing i lose it completely.

sweet baby jesus. in more than one way to boot.

sincerely written

georgian bay is lined with a butter-coloured sky and dark fingered clouds that are definately pretending to be islands off on the horizon. the wind bites with deep fangs at my cheeks and nose, making liquid stream from my eyes and blur the world into large shapes.

i'm torn between here and there, terrified that the decision will rob me of something important, no matter what i choose.

diving deep is proving to be harder than anticipated.

love left a window in the skies

somehow [and i'm not entirely convinced it's done without magic or maybe the force or a combination thereof] my marmee manages to feed close to thirty people every boxing day.

i need to learn this trick. it is essential methinks.

in other news, i'm overdosing on u2, wishing i had my old discman and plotting and planning and dreaming about my next place of residence becaue, quite frankly, i was effing spoiled this christmas. my family even loves me enough to have managed to ensure that i got not one, but TWO copies of john wayne's biography. oh dear. maybe i'll explain someday? ask me when i have merlot. it's a good tale.

in other other news, the bean is possibly the most cutest dog ever. eveeeeeer.

and finally- your mom!

hahahahahhahaha, god i'm a dork.

just moving slow

four days and way more than four hundred kilometres.

i like travelling under a city by train. i like the anonymity of being in a huge crowd alternately shuffling left and right. the bloor stret viaduct makes the pit of my stomach drop out- not because i'm afraid but because of recalled words and the image of a nun.

i also like the way it feels to be in a part of ontario where i know the land. i love how i can feel limestone deep in the ground and can close my eyes and instinctively know where north is without any second guessing. i like how the bones of my body seem to settle as the water that means so much to me grows closer as the wheels of the bus i'm on roll steadily on.

i like being with family. even if we're not talking and are instead focussed on killing darth mal as a legoman.

i like being with more family that isn't blood, but family none-the-less.

i like all of this.

and i like everything that's yet to come.

i love you, you know i do

clinks of mugs filled with red wine, the haze of cigars, modest mouse in the background, plates of good food, cake crumbs, laughter, cookies down my shirt and tales of chair olympics.

in the distance a twinkling landscape that can easily be mistaken for a river of dancing lights, wavering from our eighteenth storey view and from the heat escaping through the open door.

my sides ache from laughing, and it's closer to dawn than dusk when i crawl into bed.

i'm hit, upon waking, with two things. first, i called tim eric [which i hope was amusing on some level to some of the parties involved] and secondly, that i haven't been this relaxed in weeks.

gordon downie was on the radio again this morning. my teeth hurt from smiling.

phone rings once, phone rings twice

so, my big plan for the day included having a good portion of my hums 4000 take home pegged out in real words on compy.

instead, i stayed in bed late, ate a lot of popcorn and read douglas coupland all afternoon. i know that i should be feeling guilty, but somehow, i just can't.

mwahahahah.

and no poet or song

last night, there was an extraordinary amount of bubbles at barrymore's.

as you walk on by, when you call my name

i was right.

the past week has been absou-freaking-loutely wild. however, i think it may end with a bang as there are plans tonight that include pizza, beer [or wine if you're me], bubbles, eighties music, dancing, AND purple lace.

again, that last one is all me.

i'm finding it easier to be all me. we joke about things stealing our soul a lot around here. and yes, fifteen pages of german idealism does steal your soul. but i think, really, the soul stealing of last year as a whole for me really went deeper and longer and was harder than anthing a combination of hegel and nietzsche and heidegger can do to any one person, even when jammed into a mere forty eight hours.

so tonight, i'm going to smile till my teeth hurt.

because i think i finally got my soul back.

don't talk back. just drive the car

gordon downie is singing on the radio when i mash the talk button on my phone and mumble out something that i hope passes for a greeting. there's only a slight pause before the words 'morning' 'done' 'good' and 'breakfast' travel down the line to me.

within the hour there's eggs, sausage, beans, friend potato product, toast and most importantly- coffee! [or, if you will: kaffe!] spread across the table between peter and i. there's also sun so bright it hurts for me to keep my eyes open and cold that makes me remember that warm things like tea and slippers and cats really are most amazing.

also amazing- lithium.

but i think you may have to live inside my head to grasp that one fully.

why don't you fly into me

i'm looking for a master.

if you think you're up for the job, then please, let me know. however, hegelian masters need not apply, and if you're against me setting you on the fring of society, well, then, this may not be the place for you either.

p.s- heeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeee *drowns in academia*

i can't wait till sunday morning

i woke up this morning to desquamating epithelial cells in my respiratory tract.

fuck.

in other news, the next few days promise to be abso-freaking-loutely ridiculous, what with the historioriorioriography exam, the hums paper, the dinner i agreed to host and the afore mentioned desquamating cells.

in other other news, i ran into first year joe whilst dancing by myself in the stairwell of paterson hall to k-os. i guess it should be third-year joe now, but...whatever.

he totally mentioned switzerland- yesssss!

light up for me

you know what is disgusting?

as of right now, i think i officailly like writing my hums paper. of course, it could partially be because it's sunny, there's ice everywhere, i had a huuuge coffee, it's december, i'm going bra shopping and i have alexisonefire absolutely CRANKED.

"poor little tin man, still swinging his axe even though his joints are clogged with rust!"

yessssssssss.

you better look out for love

you know what?

the weather outside- despite consisting of flying drops of shrapnel sharp ice pellets and freakishly strong gusts of wind and deep swirling overcast skies that look too intense to be entirely natural- is actually kind of enjoyable.