'the adventures of a thirty-ish university graduate' or, alternately and perhaps much more aptly: 'as mad as a barking fox'

Friday, April 30, 2004

can't touch this

"ah ha haaa HAAAAA!" cries mot as we hit a very very miniscule downhill gradient. "a little bit of speed! faster! faster!"

melissa and mot came up for dinner tonight, which was a total blast. mom warned me it would happen, but i never really thought that i would hang out with my brother's friends. and then i did. and then i slapped myself for not having done it before. and now, james is friends with mot, who i've known since me and melissa met up. so is james hanging out with my friends, or have we just gained mutual friends? can friendseven really belong to just one person?

after dinner, we decided that we wanted to go down to see the water. since mot has a broken leg, we took a wagon down to the water with us and wheeled the crippled boy around.

what service!

[secretly, i think it was more enjoyed by the rest of us then mot. haha, he was pretty funny on the wagon. i loved it.]

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

i'm on fire and now i think i'm ready to bust a move

even though it was nearly eleven, me and james sit up and discuss how we're such a burden to tom. because that's what we've been told. that we're a burden, can you even imagine that?

this is after a day of oddities. first, i have to sign an agreement stating that i am aware that i have been removed as a principal driver from all of the vehicles licensed and insured under howell's fish. my insurance after the accident will be close to two thousand dollars a year, and tom is not up for paying it. [must be that whole burden thing...]. then, the entire afternoon slips by while i read a book based around dinah, the daughter of jacob and leah from the bible. after dinner, as mom james and i are sitting around, mom gets a call from tom, because he's stranted in teviotdale.

yes. teviotdale. home of the ever sought after greasy spoon diner.

after she rescues him, we sit on the couch, talking about being burdens while tom stays in the shop, talking to his daughter. when he comes in, he makes a crack about something that neither mom or i get, and then looks at me and mumbles something about the thursday run.

"the thursday run?" pipes up the vox. "uumm, correct me if i'm wrong, but doesn't that involve driving a vehicle licensed and insured under howell's fish?"

yes folks, it does. but apparently, i have to do it this summer. i really have no choice.

just like i have no choice in my friday night activities for this week, which will involve driving miss queen of the world heather howell to a fish fry, where she will cook fish and i will wander aimlessly around, waiting for her to be done so that i can chauffeur her home. another activity which involves using vehicles licensed and insured under howell's fish.

heh. this is going to be very interesting.

look out world, the girl minus three demerit points and who is apparently unable to make left hand turns- coming at you!

Sunday, April 25, 2004

midnight is where the day begins

waking up this morning was inexplicably odd.

i mean, i was in my own room, with my own bed, surrounded by all my own things. even compy, the smut machine himself, was staring at me. but there was still something odd. maybe it was the stillness of everything, the lack of door openings and door closings. maybe it was that there was a huge space above me, instead of the bottom of kate's bed. maybe it was hearing my brother jamming good on his fender.

i never said odd was bad.

Friday, April 23, 2004

what you leave behind you don't miss anyway

sebastian raises his arm, turns to us, nods and marches out of the room. i smile, and return to agriculture.

the anthropology exam was basically a joke. i don't suppose that i did extraordinarily well, but from the broad aspect of the questions it was pretty much impossible to do poorly. i hope. i really hope.

strolling downstairs afterwards, i collect my essay. it was that moster beast about tolkien and modern fantasy that i'm sure i bitched about to one and all, when secretly it was like a dream come true to write. i flip to the last page, where the marks are, and am stopped dead in my tracks.

i only almost walked into three people on the rest of the hop-skip-jump home.

i fucking rocked that paper.

is there anybody out there?

my first feeling when i wake up is one of utter and complete panic.

"oholyfucking christ what is the TIME?!?" the vox screams out, loud enough to dump a good measure of adrenaline into my blood stream this early in the morning. sitting up i almost bang my head on kate's bed, scrambling to find my glasses and peering at the clock.

last night i was going to go to bed early. i swear. but i was on a sugar high or something, my limbs jumping and twitching, my mind going at eighty million miles a second, my words falling over each other because my thoughts were going to fast to present. its been a long time since i felt like that. it wears me out. but it also lets me ged rid of something, smething i need to lose.

so i slept like a log, woke up to pink floyd and had afore mentioned mini-panic attack. because it was only really seven thirty, and the exam is not till nine after all.

then i made some coffee.

nothing like a little caffeine to ease...well.....anything. heh

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

melts the sand so he can see the world outside

"yessum, that's a lot of crap." the inner voice is only confirming what i already knew at heart.

i started my packing finally. i remember the end of last summer, packing for school and it being terribly easy. i knew what i wanted to take, and the stuff that i ended up wanting but didn't initially bring, i got in subsequent trips home. but now, i have to fit all of it for going home.

it's not going so well, to say the least.

because i have a lot of crap.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

the sky may look blue

the voice scream in my headphones, but for some reason there's more comfort there then anywhere else.

after my classics exam yesterday, which went much better then expected, kate and liz and i hopped on the o-train and went down to greenborough to do some necessary shopping. i wanted to pick up some coffee and milk, because i miss coffee in the morning, and also a certain album by pink floyd.

when my parents were splitting up, when we lived on thirteenth street, we all used music as an escape. every day after school, and then again after the silent and tense affair that was dinner [complete with food from the food bank because we had no money] we would listen to the wall. the story of this troubled and protected man, eventually being forced to out himself to the world seemed to connect to all of us on some level. kelly told me that it was making her feel better, so i bought it.

i also picked up midol, coffee and milk as planned. walmart is such a weird place for buying stuff.

and then, kate spoiled me immensely by buying me dogma, which is way funnier than i remember. when alan rickman ripped off his pants, revealing his lack of goods, i had to avert mine eyes for fear of death by laughter.

"not the kind of man you'd want in the sack eh mate?" pipes up the inner voice.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

my life's gone down the pan

and the hits keep coming. and they're getting lower every time.

whenever the phone rings in our room, a script is followed. the person who is being called says, in a semi-shocked and high voice: "OOooOoohhh i wonder who it is?" or, disgruntled: "who's calling me?!?"

and then the other person says: "well...*someone's* popular"

it's a good script. i like the script. this time, i was popular. it was my mom, calling from kath and raisin's house.

after a few pleasantries, my mom says "i have some bad news for you." my stomach instantly clenchs, and my palms are slick. her voice was telling me it wasn't good.

and boy, it isn't good.

my dad's in the hospital. and i'm not sure if he'll be leaving. tomorrow, after my exam, i have to call the neurological unit at the hospital in london, and see if the abcess in my father's brain will be the final whallop doled out by whatever deity is presiding over his life right now.

i kinda feel like throwing up. and then that voice, the one that has been so sarcastic in the past, and angry at the stupid things and happy at the silly ones, pipes up in a wavering, but unbreaking voice:

"don't let the bastards grind you down."

falling at your feet

i needed an escape, so i went to the mayfair to see mystic river and master and commander.

i read mystic river when i first came to school. it's a story about life, probably one of the better ones i've read. things happen to people in that book that are so unfair, so cruel. most of these things happen because of the actions of another human. jimmy's daughter is killed by two young men. dave has psychological problems because he was abducted and molested as a child. and sean's life is falling apart because his wife simply disappeared.

somehow though, everyone pulls through in their own way. except dave. although you could qualify his ending as an escape of sorts. it's not what i would choose, that's for sure.

my escape involves coconuts. lots of coconuts.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

don't drink the water

i decided that i simply had to go to tibet.

his holiness, the dalai lama, arrived in canada today. he'll be in ottawa in a few weeks, and then for the first time in canadian history, the prime minister will talk politically with his holiness about the crisis in tibet. to celebrate this, ottawa is having a tibet week. dancing, singing, and other cultural events abound. today was bazzar day in a small church in the glebe.

tuesday and i went. we both got prayer flags. i like the belief that surrounds them: by blowing in the breeze, the wind carries the prayers all over the world.

"i could use some of that good karma crap about now..."

when i get home, i buy a phone card because i need to call my mom all of a sudden. it can't wait for some reason, not till after five when its free, not till tonight. now.

talking to her, i sense something isn't quite right.

ok, nothing's been right for a long time. but there's something more here. and then she tells me that raisin has arrived, and he's taking her home. to his home. to my aunt's house, with james too. they're leaving wiarton.

my friends, the shit hath hiteth the fan.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

jamming good

ganesha stares at me as it arrives, in it's own silver bowl. she places it on the small burner heated by tea lights and follows with the mini pile of rice that is in its own silver covered dish. i hardly wait, scarfing a bit as soon as its decent, and i begin to understand what kelly has been raving about.

after enduring another long bus ride home, which included seeing people from high school, a fourteen dollar sandwich and a movie that made me want to cry and jump for joy at the same time, i was thrust back into the realm of stuuuuuuuudy most unwillingly.

half way through memorizing the pluperfect subjunctive active and passive forms in latin, i suddenly realize that i've left my humanties notes in wiarton.

things begin to slide downhill.

when the fire alarm goes off at four am i'm beyond angry. kate's so scared she scurries away and i fume inwardly while leaning againt a wall, wanting only that the person responsible die slowly. waking up is no easy chore, but i've got a bit of coffee to get me through the rough spots. i stumble to latin, almost late, and master the exam.

and i mean master it.

then there's a few hours, bitter loss over the lost notes and then another exam that doesn't go as well, because the proctor literally rips it from my hands.

"old bat.." it mumbles, but i let it slide. she did look kinda rodent-ish...

and then, as i'm about to head to the cafeteria with liz, i am asked out to dinner by my bubble half. liz shoves me and says go! sternly, so it's off to the light of india for butter chicken. we walked along the canal, admired the houses, talking about everything and nothing. mainly, we focussed on how fast the year has gone by.

and then, there was butter chicken.

move over jesus.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

reach out and touch me

after spending a considerable amount of time moping about the house and feeling like an ass in general, i accompany mom and kelly and ayshia to the grocery store. on a whim, we decide that we can eat a late dinner, and that it can indeed be turkey. we load up on goods, sticking them in my backpack and carefully loaded bags.

we're walking, of course. after all, i've killed any vehicle we might have used. whups.

my spirits are lifted accordingly, however when we return home.

"look!" exclaims ayshia, lifting her shirt and pointing to her stomach. scrawled in pen are the words PIE and WORD! with and arrow pointing to her stomach.

"this dinner is going to be astoundingly majestic." she tells me, as we unload our well-packed grocery bags.

Friday, April 09, 2004


i see it hurling at me at what seems an impossible speed as i'm finishing my turn.

"no fucking way." the inner voice gets out, and then i gun the van hoping or praying that maybe it won't hit me, maybe everything will be okay, maybe i'm not cursed. except then there's this horrible screech of metal and two noise and the sound of glass going everywhere and i know, oh i just know, that once again i've demolished another van. and this time, another vehicle along with it.

after studying the bible and re-reading a lot of crap, today was going to be my day off. i was going to go for lunch at my nana's, then loop back into town and take mot. melissa and james out for dinner. then a bunch of were going to go off to the theatre and see hidalgo. lunch with my nana was fantastic. i drove mom to wiarton and came back into town, arriving at melissa's and feeling like OAC all over again. we lounged and talked on her bed and were just plain idiots. when the boys got home, we gave them time to tidy up and then we decided on kelsey's for dinner.

i'm actually rather upset that i missed it. i was going to have this shrimp and rice dish i simply love.

instead, i am almost but not quite T-boned by betty adair right beside the hospital and OSCVI.

she hits us hard enought to send up sliding about twelve feet, blowing out both tires on the left hand side of the van and bruising us where our seatbelts dig in. her car is a write off, the front end being smahed entirely on the passenger side. when she emerges from her vehicle, which is burning and filled with smoke, she turns on me, telling me that i pulled right in front of her.

i'd love to say i'm not at fault. betty is in her seventies. the sun was in her eyes. she was late for a class she was teaching down at her store. i saw no evidence of braking, no skid marks on the pavement. i can't in my mind's eye see her coming, because there is a dip in the road there. but maybe i didn't look, maybe i wasn't paying attention. maybe maybe maybe.....

but, because i was turning left, i am automatically at fault according to the law. i have been charged with failing to afford resonable opportuinity to aviod collison- a one hundred and ten dollar fee. my insurance rate for a year will now total about two thousand dollars. and best of all, i put everyone i was driving with at risk.

don't i feel just great.

"hey, c'mon now." ooooOoh, is this a pep talk of sorts? "at least now you can say you're a statistic."

well, there's something to take off of my to do list.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

bones sinking like stones

i sit at my kitchen table, drawing patterns across the grains of wood with my fingers, and it all comes rushing out.

three months of experiences and heartache and anger and frustration and having to hide my feelings and dancing at three am and bad food and siva and music and the boys and whiskey and money and groceries and the bus and issues with papers and confusion and clarity and factoids and the weather and movies and the rare jewel of a smile and just everything spills out.

afterwards i sleep for fourteen hours. the sleep of the dead.

but then she's told me exactly what i needed to hear, so maybe it's not the sleep of the dead. maybe it's just a well deserved respite. maybe it's a healing sleep. maybe it was me letting everything go.

maybe it wasn't even maybe.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

spiders from mars

when the seats in front of me are vaccated, i throw my pillow into them and make a leap before wonder boy on my left can even bat an eyelash.

"hahahahaha! sucker!" cries the inner voice, mentrally giving him the finger

until grampa sits down with me, wanting to share his travel plan, his destination times and his reasons for travelling. it's not that i am not interested, really. because normally i'll talk to anyone.

it's the fact that it's three am that throws me off just a little bit.

Friday, April 02, 2004

an emotional landslide

i bang on pete's door, and a chorous of boys yell various forms of enter at me.

today was the very last day. the last day of being a freshman at university. the last day of classes as a first year. the last day of anthropology, the last day of being on the bottom of the heap. just the last day. before our last class, a group of people put on a presentation of the book of job. it was utterly fantastic.

pete [room mate to the male half of chia] was job. tuesday was yahweh and liam was ha-satan. when job is finally enlightened, pete presented a speech he had personally written.

"woah." pipes up the inner voice. "reminds me of pandemoniumfromamerica."

i tell pete this as we walk towards the unicentre, promising to burn him a copy of the cd.

so, after class i return to my empty room and burn the cd. walking to the dark side of fourth stormont, i cannot help but feel a bit sad. "afterall," i tell myself, "this is it."

and then into pete's room. where i am given whiskey shots and told to be sure to travel safely, and get back promptly for some sort of siva related shindig.

i fucking love these people.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

dirty good boy

i start shaking uncontrollably. i'm not entirely sure why. maybe the cold, maybe the excessive amounts of sugar. maybe it's the fact that it's nearly four am and i'm still sitting in front of compy, pretending to work.

the last essay of the year crept up on me unexpectedly, and i just couldn't bring myself to start writing it this past weekend. then monday was such a beautiful day. i spent it wandering around outside, enjoying the unbelievable weather and the sights and smells of spring. tuesday i have three classes, and then, well...it was yesterday all of a sudden and the essay was due today. is due today. i finished it. the quality is questionable though.

my glands are swollen.

"suck it up, princess."

my thoughts exactly.