'the adventures of a thirty-ish university graduate' or, alternately and perhaps much more aptly: 'as mad as a barking fox'

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

you know jesus used to show me the score

today is many things.

first- today my best friend from when i was much younger turns twenty one. i haven't spoken to him in nearly a year but he's one of those people who, if i needed to, i could pick up the phone and call him and we'd drop back into it just like before.

if i need to explain what 'drop back into it' means then i'm quite sorry- it's inexplainable. you'll know when you have a friend like this.

anyways-me and him- we have a history. when i was growing up, i imagined that when i got older, i would pretty much live in a faerie tale. you know, something like cinderella. i’d be slightly poor [hey, it was all I really knew] not the most beautiful and then one day, while slaving away at some heinous chore I was made to do yet did not deserve, a stunning handsome price charming would come along and sweep me off of my feet. of course, there would be a bit of a dilemma, but in the end, well, it would all be perfect. i’d have everything and anything i ever wanted, and best of all, i’d be in love.

love. to steal words blatantly- love is a many splendid things. love lifts us up where we belong [hmm, actually, i just realized because of my schooling this year that this is actually more then true, especially if you’re looking at the world in a plotinian sort of way, with strong augustine overtones]. anyways, love has always been to me this wonderful brazen shiny thing that i wanted. It was the one thing that i could never see life without- but it was going to be that prince charming kind of love.

my first brush with love came in a well known and age old form- the boy next door. well, he didn’t live next door for real. he actually lived half way across the city, but i think he qualifies as the boy next door because we were always together. we were best friends. in a summer where everything seemed to be going to shit, where everything was changing and people were leaving and coming and going and not looking back and saying goodbye, he was just there. never moving, always sturdy. in retrospect, I should have seen it coming, but when it dawned on me that i did love my boy next door, it was a shocker. it took the breath out of me. i felt ill. and then i felt more ill when i started over analysing the situation and thinking and pondering and loving and analysing some more. when we finally discussed our mutual feelings- because o lordy how mutual they were- i used Dawson’s Creek as an example as to why we shouldn’t get together and secretly willed him to just interrupt me and kiss me. he didn’t, and we moved on from there.

which was good. it's still good. so today i've been thinking about him because it's his birthday and really, i need to call him up and drop back into it sometime very soon.

today is also the last day of second year and even though i've put on a brave face, my soul hurts on the inside. not in a bad way, it just sort of crumpled when i fully realized that this. is. it.

time really does fly. my life is a personal attestment to it.


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