'the adventures of a thirty-ish university graduate' or, alternately and perhaps much more aptly: 'as mad as a barking fox'

Sunday, December 12, 2004

when he comes to buy your soul

sage advice point number sixty seven: on a sunday in december, stay far far FAR away from any massive corporate chain store that opens at eigh am, even if you are there before ten am.

i had some christmas shopping to do today. i had to pick up one last gift for ashley and grab a few things for my brother. i needed food. i wanted almonds. these things are necessities in life during exams and for christmas preparation.

carleton is on the light rail system in ottawa that currently has one corridor, running north south. the closest and easiet grocery store to get to is loblaws [overpriced and crappy], which is in a strip mall type place along with other corporate giants that include but are not limited to: staples [surplus and not so surplus office supplies], future shop [the future- now, at horrible prices that will rob you of any chance of a future], michael's [store full of weird blobs of fake wax fruit that more often than not have teeth marks in them from wee children, and other craft supplies] and that massive corporate devil that is walmart, the store that just has to freking well have everything ever wanted with reasonable prices.

[i swear the devil owns this chain, i swear on everything i bought there today].

anyways, while walking by the mens clothing section [being forced there a detour around the female undergarments] an old biddy tried and mostly succeeded in knocking me on my arse with her shopping cart while racing with another biddy to get to some men's long underwear.

i've never been so terrified in my whole life. i left walmart thanking jesus, vishnu, yahweh, god, the golden calf, all the saints and the stars above that i made it out of there alive.

then i ventured into the grocery store.

it was so horrible that i've no memory of how i made it though. all i know is that one moment i was descending into a hell where people were fighing over no name rice crackers... and the next i was shoving my way to freedom out of one set of two massive double doors, hoping against hope that i would escape the vile and evil clutches of the daemons of loblaws while clutching no name fish sticks.

[like, what the fuck? no name fish? ME? the fish bitch, getting no name fish sticks? there must have been some mighty tempting-type demons beside those suckers, because normally, i'd not go for that shiete. i ate some for lunch though- am not dead yet so it must be ok. but still. what the shit is that? the box even says that they are made from minced fish. what the fuck man? what the fuck? i am so confused].

when i got home, i dropped to my bed, bags flying every which way, milk forgotten for a few moments. i believe i may have been speaking in tongues.

never again. never, ever again.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice photo



Blogger megs said...

thanks andre.
the sky was entirely that colour as well- it was slightly freaky and kind of alien in all honesty.


Blogger James said...

Were there spaceships?


Blogger Daley said...

I love the description of Michael's.



Post a Comment

<< Home