this is what love is for, to be out of place

i woke up to the particular kind of light that means there's a blanket of snow on the ground. everything was soft and quiet and i could hear birds flitting to and from the cedar tree that stands tall outside my bedroom window.

it's my ex-boyfriend's birthday today. sometimes when i close my eyes he is so present that my breath catches and my heart skips a beat. today is one of those days. it is strange and hard because i would love to send him my very best regards, and tell him again how grateful i am for everything that relationship and its eventual demise did for me, in terms of growth, and learning, and acceptance. i'm not sure that he would understand, or even be able to try to comprehend any of that though. actually, most people in my life have problems understanding the depth of meaning i took from that relationship, and why- even though it was only a year, and splitting was the best choice for us both- it took me so long and so many sad days before i could get excited about coffee again.

so i'll send out my good thoughts, and hopes for a cake, and a nice dinner with his sweetheart, and time with the dogs, and a good conversation with the little girl, and trust that on some level, those regards make their way to him.

this whole being an adult is so weird.